I can remember the exact moment I knew my marriage was over. The smells, the sounds, the place and the thoughts chasing themselves round my head like a car crash. It’s as clear as this morning is to my senses, as I write this post over a lovely steaming cup of coffee made with cream and sweetener – a day of writing spread in front of me…
I remember My husband turning and asking me what I think of the plants he’s picked up and put on the trolley at the Garden centre and I realise that I don’t care – I don’t care what the garden will look like in the summer. I don’t care what he thinks. I don’t care about our life. It’s lost. He is a stranger.
It takes another three months of the wreckage of that morning for me to finally call time (after thirteen years) because I have to try, because I made promises that I so badly want to keep (I keep my promises). He makes damn sure that once I leave, I never want to go back. Not ever.
I remember putting as much as I can carry into my car and getting on the road to my older brothers – to three months in a spare room, feeling like a failure and nights where i star fish in a big double bed trying to make it feel smaller. I leave with clothes, shoes, two candlesticks and fruit bowl. I do not cry. There are no tears left.
I learn. I grow. I colour the outline of myself in. I move into my own place. I have an unexpected health issue, that means I can’t walk or do much, I’m forced to slow down. I decide that the only thing I want from my marriage are those candlestick and the fruit bowl. I decide that I do not want his name anymore. I decide six months after driving away that it’s time to rejoin life. Us has become I, we has become me.
I fall in love. It scares the living crap out of me. I start my journey again. I begin to write emboldened by someone who wants me to achieve my dreams. I buy the Mac I promised myself, that I would never have spent money on before. I get obsessed with shoes and girlie things.
I allow myself to fall apart briefly. One night and a morning. I pick the pieces up and start over.
i will never compromise who I am for another person. I will life my life one day at a time and be happy for the now. I will be generous with my love, time and affection. I will remember that life is made up of small moments coloured in by our emotions. I will Hope.
My life is always in progress and I am enjoying the ride.